A bird pooped on my just-filled coffee mug yesterday as I was walking to work. Hit it right on the lid like some biological sharp-shooter from the heavens; no warning, no mercy. That got me to thinking about things that fly. Such as…tents.
A strong wind in an exposed location and - depending on staking - you’ve got yourself a fluttering hovercraft or a cartwheeling nylon polyhedron. Thank god for those windsprints you did in college. Total escapes may be rare, but you got to hand it to them, without even a hint of god-given wings tents still can’t stop themselves from trying.
I have one such flying tent. A wonderful Mountain Hardware shelter that had served me well for years, until that mountain-top wind tunnel in New Zealand served it a nice tall glass of physics. Now its carefully engineered geometric shape has taken on the aura of crumpled paper; bent poles, un-zippable zippers and the like.
But no matter how I try to keep that mangled tent in the bottom pile of gear-to-get-rid-of it keeps rising to the top. Above my elite weight-weenie tarptent, above my fancy new gizmo gear whatever-else. It gets used. It gets used for anything and everything and gets thrown in the car even when there’s only a .01% chance of being used. That tent is treated like the busted-up hovercraft it is and yet, it keeps on working.
Have you ever been frustrated by the un-invented? I mean, in an age where you can buy a titanium spork or a carbon fiber bike stem, is it possible to not find something? A gap in the 847598443289895090343* products offered on the web?
And I’m not talking about diamond-encrusted anti-gravity bike tires or anything. Simple things. Things like:
1. Real, Functioning Mud Running Shoes: The kind that don’t mistake a mud run for a creative pottery class. Yeah, I’m 6 inches taller, but holy lead-boot batman! And those deep off-road treads & heel cut-outs? I love a nice leveling stucco job. Wait….add some more!
Now, I know the Bay Area’s clay soil has a lot to do with it, but I’ve experienced the same in Montana & New Mexico. So we aren’t alone. There is a market out there.
Deeper treads equal more packability. The bad kind. Widely spaced narrow cleats would work until you hit that 1 mile of pavement. What we really need is some sort of fancy non-stick rubber. Even some Pam-like spray. Hmmm. I’m feeling an experiment coming on.
2. Mashed Potato Gu: I just don’t understand why gu makers are so stuck on sweet. Doesn’t everyone love mashed potatoes? Now, I do the salted potato thing for long runs all the time, but running & chewing turns me into more of a wheezing potato mouth-fountain. Ugly.
Wouldn’t it also be nice to not have to cook up those potatoes; to have them at-the-ready in a nice, sealed, non-spoiling foil package? Great carbs with a touch of salt & fat. Perfect!
Of course, I’ve tried to make my own mashed potato gu with a little ziplock & a lot of care, but bag failure is brutally high. I’ve also tried those pack-your-own peanut butter/jelly tubes they sell in camping stores, but once past the poor design & cheap materials, I’m still left with a pocketfull of fugitive potato.
So, those are my two current no-have list toppers. Anyone else? Post to comments!
Oh, gads. If you’ve been reading the blog, you know my personal view on this time of year, dare I say it again: the Dead of Winter. If the Dead of Winter were a place, it would be Las Vegas - a place of fun and sin and delerious fixated people staying mostly inside doing strange things. So, I have more confessions to report from this time of anything goes.
The first one being: Poffle. So, while I was doing really well with banishing gratuitous bread and butter meals from my diet, nothing could have saved me from this bout of Poffle. Ranger M (a.k.a. Weed B****, more on her later) and I found ourselves in the middle of the “storm of the decade” and this brilliant idea came to Ranger M. An idea more brilliant than ALL the lights of Las Vegas, which was to make chocolate-toffee-coffee cake. Oh man. Since we couldn’t say all that, and because it turned out so strangely, we ended up calling it “Poffle”. I’ll spare you the details and just share with you that you really haven’t lived until you’ve seen a bowl of hot melted toffee disappear into the belly of a half baked coffee cake made with real coffee in it. Oh my! The result being so strangely addictive and bad for you, simply worse than gambling on both counts.
Next up on the confessions list: “el Diablo” a.k.a. Mount Diablo. Gear Queen and I decided that it would be nice to kick off our Gobi March training in a no-holds-barred and perhaps rediculous fashion, by hiking our local landmark Mount Diablo. It doesn’t seem like much, but the funny “anything goes” part is that we walked and jogged there from a couple cities away (Oakland) by trail. For the locals, the deal is we went through Redwood, the EBMUD watershed (which is filled with a rare breed of poop-less cows), through Las Trampas, and finally to Macedo ranch and on up the big hill. Who knew it all connected so nicely? We probably could have used one of these fancy altimeter watches.
Because it’s the DOW, there were Spaghetti-O’s involved, and Foster’s beer (just 1 each, for fear of sounding too nutso) - which is Australian for “Gatorade”, right? As we hiked back down, now elated and talking about the finer (not the occsaionally nutritionally wreckless) points of ultra-running training, Gear Queen deleriously noted that Mt. Diablo at sunset is in fact the best bar you could go to. Yes, better than any bar in Las Vegas my friends, I think it’s true.
So, I’m sure, you must have some Dead of Winter confessions of your own. Post them to comments! If you don’t, be an angel and sell your outdoor gear on iGearList!
In June, Gear Queen and I will be headed out to the border of China and Kyrgyzstan. A little bit of that insanely beautiful area is depicted in this YouTube video. We’ll be walking, jogging and running around, eating nuts and slurping manufactured energy powders, chomping salt pills and obsessing over our feet. Oh, we’ll be giddy - I know we’ll be smiling sheepishly for 7 days while we take in the scenery and the people. We’ll probably take turns battling food poisoning and laughing about it, or at it, or at eachother (whatever fits). It’s one of those things where sitting here in my cubicle, I can’t really grasp that I’ll ever be there.
My mom tells me there are no GPS maps for this region. You can plug in coordinates and get distances, but no directions. Oh man, could it be? One place untouched by technology? No maps? That’s got to be the best.
I’m currently searching around for a lot of gear for
my project in Nicaragua. I’m asking my outdoor chica
friends for their advice regarding their experiences
with tents (2-4 person), sleeping pads, propane
lanterns, water purifiers (MSR miox purifier?), camp
stoves, and solar showers.
Of course I’m looking for information about
reliability/longevity, warranty, customer service, and
functionality. This gear will be used in Nicaragua -
warm, dry tropical, coastal climate on sandy beaches
repeatedly throughout the year.
I will LOVE any help you can offer with your knowledge
and expertise.
So, ladies - any advice for Jenn? Let it fly! Post your thoughts, advice and experiences to comments. They are moderated by me, so if they don’t show up at first, that’s normal. Once I can confirm that your comments are not spam/porn, I’ll approve them and they will go live.
Gear Queen, though not usually shy, has been answering questions submitted to her by using the comments section of this blog. The net result being hidden genious (like, who’s going to read through all those comments?) I’m here to bring her latest helpful hints to light.
Recently Gearless wrote in:
Dear Gear Queen,
I am in my late-30s and suddenly find myself with no gear. I suppose I mean both literally and figuratively. I am going nowhere. I feel a special bond with you, because I love Corgis, too. You see, I have fkankles myself. And, though, they are not very attractive on me, I think my Corgis just wouldn’t be the same without them. Well, anyway. I was thinking of getting out and doing some outdoorsy stuff. I just don’t know where to start. Can you recommend a sport for me? I’m pretty good on my bike, but I’ve never taken on the dirt. My tires still look brand new. Can you recommend a good place to ride? Or what do you think about mountain climbing? That sure looks like fun. What kind of gear do I need?
Your friend, Gearless
…and the reply from Gear Queen:
Gearless,
You have a lot of problems, my friend. Here are some tips:
1. Get your fcankles out the door. This is generally known as step one. Please recognize that sometimes, more often than not, this is the only step needed. Gear required: clothes are nice. Clothes with a little money in their pockets are nicer.
2. Mosey, pedal, cartwheel on down the block until there’s no more block left and you’re somewhere you’ve never been before. Keep going. I find this usually results in considerable adventure. Sometimes it’s not the kind of adventure you thought it was going to be. Sometimes you need to mosey, pedal and cartwheel in a sprint-away-as-fast-as-you-can style but that’s ok. Adventure!
3. At some point you’ll get tired and hungry. Pull that cash out of your pockets and use it. Sit for a while. Determine whether or not the responsibility-obligation voices are yelling too loud to continue.
4. Return home.
So simple! If you get dirt on your bike tires you can call it biking (bring a helmet). If there are mountains near your home you can call it mountain climbing (bring a jacket). Of course, if you ever need more gear buy it from igearlist.com. Easy peasy.
Now it’s time for our first episode of “Ask the Queen!” One of our readers, Princess Feet, recently asked: “Dear Gear Queen - refresh my memory here - why are Corgis so fantastic? How do they fit into your outdoor lifestyle?”
Well, Corgis are so fantastic simply because they have bat ears and act like clowns. Bats & clowns…what’s there not to love? Also, the queen on the other side of the pond has 8493748707890 of them. Oh, and corgis also have fcankles. You know what I mean.
As to your second question, they fit into my “outdoor lifestyle” (does rei have a patent on that term yet? Tic toc.) simply because they:
1. run
2. outside
3. and don’t want
4. to sit at a computer
5. all day!
Thank you for the questions, Princess Feet. May all your days be filled with soothing pumice scrubs!
Well, since Queen decided to accept my idea of becoming Gear Queen and running her own Ask the Queen column on the iGearList blog, I decided it’s high time to celebrate.
I decided to try my hand at making a sticker with CafePress. The fact that it, too will probably be jacked up, is so entirely entertaining that it had to be done immediately. If they are presentable, I’ll start giving them out. Stay tuned.
Oh, and for now, just post your questions for Gear Queen in comments…
That’s the truth, Parker. Though I apparently did yell out that my name was to be Queen in the late hours of a recent wedding. I think I was dancing, so you fill in the blanks.
It’s growing on me though. Queen. q u e e e e n. I even wore a tiara once, though I was also wearing a barbie wig, taupe nylons and a tutu. So maybe that’s not a good example. I’ll keep thinking.
